Bleeding Heart
by Locele
Summary: She lost the one person that meant the world for her. Now Jane has a mission to find Maura back and heal her with whatever means. Can she do it? WARNING: mentions of rape and dealings with abuse. CHAPTER 12 is up
1. Dead end

**Dislaimer: Not mine, will never be... Tess Gerritsen and TNT... I am so thankful for giving us this show!**

**A short Chapter as a start! hope everyone likes it!**

Her fingers moved over the keyboard. Hey eyes fixed on the computer, the file open next to her. A cup of coffee had run cold as it stood forgotten. Bloodshot eyes. She knew this time, this time she had a clue. This time she would find her.

"it's a dead end ".

The defeated voice behind her made her close her eyes. Her fingers stopped and she felt how stiff they had grown. She grunted and tried to warm her hands back up by grasping the coffee cup. Noticing how cold it was she growled and turned. "I was so sure. I really was. He had the information I just know it and…"

"You need to stop this"

She looked away. "never" she muttered. A hand on her shoulder made her almost crumble but she straightened her back. "she is out there".

"Jane…"

"she is out there Vince. I just know it, and I am not going to give up"

"it has been three years Jane. The chance that she is still alive is so slim".

"don't talk like her" she whispered. Korsak sat down on the desk. "I am not Jane, but you know just like me that there is logic in what I am saying. She won't come back. He killed her Jane. You know that and I do too".

Jane stood abruptly. "no… she is out there. I will find her. I need to Vince! Even if she is dead. I need prove that she is. But she is not! She is alive"

He sighed, stood and moved to the door. "Go home Jane. Feed your pets and go to bed. You need to sleep. You still work here and losing your job won't help you". He left, leaving her all alone. The computer was just emitting light. She knew this was not going to lead to anything.

Sighing she shut off the computer and headed home. Opening the door she was greeted by her dog. She lifted Joe and hugged her. She looked around and saw Watson crawling around the other tortoise. She lowered herself next to them and patted the larger one. "sorry buddy… I couldn't find her today".

It lifted its head and looked at her with sad eyes. "I know Bass… I miss her too".

Jane sat there for over an hour, just patting her dog and Bass. She felt defeated. She felt depressed. Three years… three years without a word… without a trace. She had disappeared into thin air. The last time she had talked to her was magic, with so much promise… and now… three years later, Jane was still obsessed in finding her. Because she just knew, she felt that she was alive.

Closing her eyes she remembered the last time she heard that voice.

_"See you tonight? I rented some movies"._

_"really? Now what kind of movies because last time I got stuck watching The Labyrinth. I really don't want to see that one again!" _

_The sarcasm made the blond look up with slight hurt in her eyes. "O Jane don't say that. I have so much fond memories because of that movie"._

_"yeah sure…" _

_Both of them laughed as Jane leaned against the table. Looking at her friend working._

_"I rented the Titanic"._

_The wink she had received made Jane go jelly. "Titanic? The sinking boat kind of thing? Didn't that one end like so sad?"_

_"yeah, kind of romantic don't you think". She smiled._

_Laughing Jane stood up. "Romantic? That is not romantic, that is just sad. Why do you want to watch that movie with me? can't we watch some action kind of movie?"_

_A raisen brow was what she received. "it will be fun Jane. You know I can't lie"._

_ "is that a promise?" the undertone was there. A fun night. They had been dancing around for weeks now. Maybe a romantic sad movie was what they needed._

_"of course!"_

_"good, because I know you can't lie Maura. You don't have to tell me that"._

When she had driven over to Maura's house, Jane had parked her car and when she saw there was no light on she had decided to wait. To kill the time she listened to her I-pod. Without realizing a half our went by before she decided to call her friend. There had been no answer.

Jane had walked up to the door to ring the bell, she had once again not received any answer. Slowly the minutes turned into hours and she had been almost frantic in the end when she called the precinct. Maura had checked out…

She never made it home…

That was three years ago and the pain, the panic, the anger… everything had just seemed to worsen over time. Jane felt like someone had stabbed her right in her heart and left her bleeding.

**So what do you think? For everyone who just read. I changed this chapter a little because I wasn't happy with it so it is renewed.  
Reviews make my day :D **

**Remember! I am dislectic so if there are any mistakes, either ignore it or give a gentle nudge :P**


	2. Keep running

**I want to thank: _CanadianReba, Jits, sharkbait nv, Hoyee, svuaddictonesix, SilkpoetV, yibridge, fantasyinmymind and AmIzZ EvAnGeLiNe _for their reviews which made me so happy! I am glad you all like the beginning and I hope I will do good with the next chapters.**

This Chapter is a little longer, I will try to make them longer as the story progresses.  
For a disclaimer see chapter 1,

_Jane was running, towards something. She just didn't know what she was chasing. She just knew she had to keep running, keep running, no stopping. Because she had to catch what was in front of her. No matter what… keep running._

_A giggle. Somewhere along this road. Jane's head snapped up. She knew that giggle. That giggle belonged to her best friend. The woman she hadn't seen for years. She picked up the speed. She would catch her. She would get her!_

_A scream. Jane was feeling frantic right now. She started to run even faster. The land seemed to turn into a blur. But there was no one before her. No beautiful dark blond hair. No sweet smile… no beautiful brown eyes. But Jane would find her. She just had to keep running._

_Crying. Jane felt panicked. What was going on? She slowed down for a moment. Why didn't she see her. Why couldn't she catch her? Should she keep running?_

"_JANE HELP ME!"_

"MAURA!"

Jane sat right up in her bed. It was the middle of the night. She felt sweaty and clam. Joe was beside her growling slightly because she had been woken up.

Panting Jane put her hand over her eyes and took a few deep breaths. She wouldn't be able to get to sleep anymore. She stood up and went to the kitchen. Getting some water would be a good idea.

She was moving in her sweatpants as she got herself a glass and the water. Sitting down on the beautiful couch she had taken from Maura she snuggled into the side a little more.

It had stopped smelling like Maura long ago. Everything Jane had put in storage didn't smell like her anymore. It all smelled like her now. She roulated the first year. Putting Maura's couch in her apartment had been the last change she had done three months ago.

When Maura was still with her she never wanted to admit it to herself. She was too afraid to lose their friendship, but Jane always loved Maura Isles. More than anything in the whole wide world. She had loved the google talk. The precision, the warmth of that smile, the not being able to lie thing, the antisocial sweetness… everything. Maura's wrongs and rights were all lovable to Jane. But she had never once told her. Never once dared to take action.

Now she regretted it. She could have had a night with Maura… or maybe a kiss… or just knowing that it was alright but that Maura didn't feel the same way. Anything but this! Anything but being without her.

She heard a noise and quickly stood… of course it was just Bass taking notice on what was going on. He walked towards her and lifted his head slowly. As if asking if she was alright. Smiling she sat back down and took another sip.

"At least I have you Bass, something of a connection. She would be so proud to know I call you a tortoise now instead of a turtle".

'_No… she will be proud. Because when I find her I will tell her. I will tell her everything I have kept hidden for so long' _Jane thought. She petted the shell and sighed. Not really enjoying the silence, but not really knowing what to do about it either.

Her phone was what woke her almost two hours later. She was still snuggled onto the couch and rubbed her eyes trying to focus her ears on what she was hearing. An anonymous call… sales men…

Rubbing her eyes again she stood and grasped the phone from the counter while shaking her head. Trying to clear her mind. Just before she picked up though her eyes fell fixed on the clock. 04:34

Raising her brow she looked down at the still ringing phone. This was way too early for sales men. What the hell? Jane growled in anger. Couldn't someone leave her alone and just go back to sleep? This wasn't the time to play a practical joke with her.

She opened the phone and lifted it to her ear. "Rizzoli, what the hell do you want" she growled into the phone. She really didn't care who was on the other line. They should just leave her the hell alone!

"Jane…"

Jane stiffened. Her whole body seemed to turn into a statue. No… it couldn't be true, she was dreaming. This was not happening.

"help me…"

"Maura…"

There, she said it… it was true… she was hearing her voice. After three years… she was hearing that voice… "Jane! Hel… AAAH!"

The click that ended the call was worse than the horrifying scream. Jane was screaming herself. Into the phone. Screaming for it to be real. "MAURA! MAURA!"

Jane felt a tear run down her face. Remembering her dream, the same words… should she give up like Korsak had told her? Or should she keep running.

Jane moved to her bedroom and began to put on some cloths. Her heart was still bleeding, but she would keep running.

**What did you think? Did Jane dream again maybe?  
Reviews make my day :D**

**huggle Phamy**


	3. Not like her

**I want to thank: _Skly, CanadianReba, Swishla, AmIzZ EvAnGeLiNe, XanDany, wcduran, Steeleafan and Felonee _for their wonderful reviews. it really inspired me to keep writing! it helps!**

**A little longer chapter! I like this chap personally.  
Dislaimer can be found in chapter one**

"you were dreaming"

She almost screamed in frustration. Her ex-partner was sitting behind his desk doing some boring paperwork while she, she! Had so much information. She needed his help! And he wouldn't even listen to her. Her partner wouldn't listen either. He just turned to her and sighed.

"Jane! Come on. From what you told us you just woke up. Before that you had a nightmare. You told us yourself. You were still dreaming. It is not uncommon to dream that you wake up you know. Leave it be!"

Throwing her hands up in the air she walked over to her desk. She was actually afraid that maybe they were right. She wanted to believe it so badly. this night it had seemed to real, why couldn't she believe it now?

'_it's been three years Janey. That's why' _her mind told her.

Korsak looked up from his computer. "Frost is right Jane. You must have been sleeping. There is no other way. I told you last night that the change that she is alive is so slim… you need to move on Jane. This is not going to help you. You need to stop pretending".

Jane sighed. Of course he wouldn't believe her. This wasn't the first time she had dreamed something like this. She had told them about her nightmares. Or about how real they seemed. A year before she had run into the office with a map and pointed them a house she was convinced Maura was being held… and why? Because she thought someone had called her at night. Later she realized it had all been a dream… nobody had called her.

They weren't going to believe her. Hell! She wasn't even believing herself anymore. Jane had to fight her emotions as she sat behind her desk. She wanted it to be true. She could still hear that scream, it had sounded so real, so terrified. She wanted to believe Maura was still alive.

"Oh Jane? Can you go down and get the report from Nayla?" Frost asked. Without a word Jane stood and walked from the office. Korsak raised a brow and looked at Frost. "she really believed it" he said with a sad expression forming on his face. Frost nodded. "yea".

Nayla. As Jane stood in the elevator she thought about the ME. Nayla had been Maura's most promising assistant. When she disappeared Nayla had taken over the morgue for the first few weeks. Those weeks had turned into months and finely she had gotten her degree and was promoted as the Medical Examiner.

She wasn't as bright as Maura, or as sweet, or as… well she wasn't Maura. But she did her job and she really liked it. She originally came from Nigeria and this difference was what made her alright in Jane's eyes. She wasn't anything like Maura, so even if Jane was in the morgue she would focus on Nayla and be able to do her job.

The morgue wasn't a fun place. Not a place to hang out anymore, like Jane was used to for so long.

When she entered Nayla looked up. "the report is on the desk" she said with a smile. Jane just nodded and headed over to the desk. She unconsciously looked at the computer and got a kick inside. No sites with Chanel shoos. Or another expensive brand. Just the computer with the medical files. Nothing… no Maura.

"You alright Jane?"

Jane turned to see Nayla stand with bloody gloves. She shook her head for a moment. "I had another stupid moment this night" she said seeing Nayla nod.

"yea it was all over the place. Bummer"

'Bummer'. She wasn't anything like Maura. Maura would have pointed out facts, possibilities. Anything to make Jane feel better although most of the time she would do the opposite. Thinking back about it… it made Jane smile. Maura had tried so hard.

"Jane? Are you alright?"

"yea" she said and took the file. "do you need more time to add stuff?"

"no thanks. I'll call you when I find something new and just leave a message".

Jane nodded and strode back out. She would leave a message. Maura would have… done everything differently. But she wasn't here… and Nayla was nothing like Maura. A pity and a blessing at the same time. Sometimes it would take longer to solve a case because Nayla forgot to add something. But most of the time, Jane thought, it would have taken longer if she did things the same way. Because Jane would have a harder time dealing with all of it.

She dropped the file on Frost's desk and sat down again. She searched her mail and hit the print button. She heard her phone ring and sighed, her mother.

Her mother had been great over the last years, yes she had to admit that. But still, Angela Rizzoli was a pain in the ass. Jane smiled for a moment. Maura would have said something like her mother was a pain in the stomach or something. Something sweet that Jane would correct. It had always made them laugh afterwards.

"Rizzoli" she answered her phone.

"_Jane! You have number identification. You do not address me like that". _Yea her mother was still a pain in the ass, that would never change.

"what is it?"

"_I have called three times already! Don't you ever check your history Jane? You should you know"._

"What do you need Ma?" Jane asked. She was beginning to get irritated.

"_Are you still coming tonight? I want to know because else there won't be enough"._

Thinking about it Jane thought maybe it was a good idea. But she really didn't want to go, so why would she? Maura would tell her to go. They were her family after all. but all Jane wanted was a night of rest and peace for a change. Not that she would get any. She would be worrying and on the Internet, searching for Maura.

"No thanks ma. I am not coming".

"_alright. But you can't hide yourself away forever Jane. See you this weekend"._

'_I am not hiding myself! I am seeing her this weekend'_ Jane thought. Sighing she ended the call and put her phone down on the desk. Rubbing her face she sighed once more. Well work now… standing up she walked over to the printer to check for the emails she just had printed.

'_Don't you ever check your history?' _the remark of her mother seemed to hit home suddenly. Her phone history! She could check it for any calls… with or without anonymity!

Dashing back towards her desk she startled both Korsak and Frost whom looked up from their work. "Jane?" Frost asked but Jane was hitting her buttons on her phone.

She whimpered and ran over to Korsak, pushing the phone almost in his face. "SEE! It was real! Look at the time!"

When Korsak finely got the phone out of her hands he looked at the small screen. _Time: 04:34, Identity caller: unknown. Call time: two minutes._

**So it was real! and now? how will they find her? will they find her. What happened to Maura? Maybe next chapter will clear up some more of the still foggy sky :P**

**PLEASE! review. it makes my day and it inspires me to keep writing!**


	4. Help me

**After some time another Chapter! tomorrow I will write one more. I am completely back into the story! Don't worry I won't abandon it!**

**Thanks _CanadianReba, wcduran, Skly, Felonee, Candy77, Swishla _and _thetamarine _for your responds! you really make my day! **

Jane was sitting on her couch. She had put her pets in her bedroom. She need the quietness around her right now. She needed to concentrate. Looking down at the different maps and files she sighed and twirled her gun around with her fingers. Somewhere… in there, would be the answer to find Maura. Jane just knew that.

Both Korsak and Frost had looked at the phone with open mouths. It was odd, they had said. But it wasn't waterproof. They had told her to calm down and think for a moment. Jane couldn't. She had practically run into the boss's office to get the rest of the day off.

The moment she had come home she had pulled out the Box. The Box contained every single file Jane could use on finding Maura. There had to be something in there. But really… she needed help.

She looked down at the small black telephone. His last information hadn't lead to anything. But he was trying too, maybe he could trace an untraceable call. Or at least he should know.

Jane picked the phone up and hit the green button.

"_Jane"_

"Doyle. She called".

"_Are you sure?"_

"I have a anonymous call in my phone history. I am sure. She is alive. I need you to trace the call".

"_I will do my best. How are you doing?"_

"I am… the same. I need to find her Doyle".

"_We will. I have someone tapping into your phone history right now. Anything else?"_

"A pizza would be nice".

"_Very funny"._

"keep me posted"

"_As always Jane. Sleep well"._

"I won't sleep".

"_I will pretend I didn't hear that"._

"I won't give up Doyle".

"_We will find her Jane. Don't give up"._

"Goodnight".

She ended the call and sighed. Jane knew… she knew that when she called Patty Doyle for the first time two and a half years ago she had stepped on dangerous ground. If the precinct found out she had contacts with one of the most dangerous man of the underworld she would hang…

But it was necessary. She had told herself. If she wanted to find Maura she needed the man. He had been almost happy when she called, telling her he had wanted too but figured she wouldn't want anything to do with him. She had smiled.

They had not seen each other in the next years. He kept his distance. But he was protecting her. She knew because - the good detective she was - she had noticed the cars following her. She had noticed the man hovering around her. She had asked and he had answered. She took notice but didn't forbid him to shadow her.

He knew of her love. He had asked her one night. She couldn't lie and answered. He was alright with it. Knew that when they would find her back, Maura would be save with Jane.

Jane had needed help. She didn't get it from the police. She got it from Doyle.

She looked back at the files. She knew there wasn't anything in there but still she tried.

"come on! Give me a clue! Anything! Give me something! I need help!"

She was getting frustrated. There wasn't anything helping. These stupid files were not of any use! Maura was out there! She knew that! She knew! She heard her. Why wasn't there just someone helping her! Making this easier. All she wanted was to find Maura. To wrap her arms around her and never let her go again! Why was that so much to ask for!

Her phone rang. She picked it up and saw her ex-partners name. sighing she hit the button. "Rizzoli".

"_I believe you"._

She looked at the phone for a moment. Her mouth hanging open. "why the sudden change?" she asked being skeptical.

"_About an hour ago we got a call from __jail"._

"Wow Korsak. You got a call from jail! Now that explains everything" Jane answered, the sarcasm dripping off the words.

"_Jane… The guards told us that Garret Fairfield has been having contact with different people outside prison. The guards noticed he became more cheerful after a year or so in jail. They never knew about his contact until a week ago. Frost is going there tomorrow and you will be with him. We think, that maybe Garret is behind the disappearing of Maura"._

"How… you… I will come tomorrow Korsak. But as you have been saying to me for three years now. Don't jump to conclusions. But thank you".

"_Jane, you need to understand. They fou__nd a photo of Maura in his cell"._

Jane's brain was running overtime. A sign, well now she got one. She needed… she needed to call Doyle. He could find out everything around Fairfield old friends. But first… Korsak.

"I will meet up with Frost tomorrow. What time?"

"_10 AM"_

"See you than. And Korsak… thanks".

She ended the call quickly, grasping the small black phone.

"_Jane? Why are you calling again? You know can't work that fast"._

"I need you to find out all about the whereabouts of friends and possible contact of Garret Fairfield".

"_you have a lead?"_

"I think I do".

"_I'm on it"._

"So am I".

**next chapter we will find out if Garret is really behind the dissapearing of Maura. Or if maybe it will be another dead end... in any case there will be an extremely pissed off Jane.**

**Please review! they make my day and they help me continue with the story!**


	5. Tell me

**Warning: This chapter contains mentions of rape and physical abuse. You have been warned!**

**Thanks: _heatwave16, Kiva4ever, graywolf68, wcduran, Candy77_ and _fanofthearts _for their reviews! they made my day!**

Garret Fairfield was a man of power, he knew how he could get the stuff he needed, when he needed it. When he got to prison he made the necessary contacts with guards. He could get messages out and in without anyone knowing. He loved power.

So when Garret was strapped down in a chair you could say he wasn't very happy. He was squirming and demanding release when the door behind him opened. "Finally! I thought you would never come. Untie me right now" he said angrily.

"I do not think you are in any position to demand anything" a cold female voice answered. Garret tried to turn his head but Jane Rizzoli had already moved into his line of vision. She sat down on the table and stared at him with deadly eyes.

Frost stayed on his feet as the guards took stand. "oh don't think these are your guards" Jane said as she noticed him trying to take a peek at them. "they are mine".

She put her gun on the table and began to toy with her badge. "Listen, I am going to make this very easy on you. You tell me why and where you took Maura. You are going to pray for your live that I find her and that she will be alright. And maybe you will get away easily".

Garret spit at her. "I do not know what you are talking about scum".

Putting the badge down gently Jane stood and walked towards the man. "listen little disgusting pig. I want to know where you took Maura. Now if you value your life you will start talking right now". She hadn't touched him yet. She kept her hands to herself. For now…

"I do not know anything about Maura! Did something happen to her?" Garret said. He seemed worried, afraid even. Like he meant it. Jane stared at him for a moment and he started speaking again. "please. Did something happen to Maura? What happened Detective".

Jane started laughing. She couldn't believe she almost fell for it. Garret was confused. He looked up at Jane who slammed her hand on her knee while laughing coldly. Suddenly both her hands shot out towards him. He couldn't go anywhere as she grasped his shirt and pulled him out of the chair. "LISTEN you fucking bastard. I know you know where Maura is. TELL ME WHERE SHE IS".

Garret weighted his decisions. He knew that his connections must be busy moving the object right now. All he had to do was stretch time. "why would I?" he tried. He could hit himself. Now she knew he was the one.

Jane almost hugged Frost. They had him! They knew! HE WAS FOUND! But she stayed calm and slowly let her anger take over once more. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. "because I do think you would like to live another day or so" she said.

"you can't kill me! you are a cop!"

She had a smile he didn't like. She leaned forward and whispered in his ear. "but my connections aren't cops. They wouldn't even think twice about killing you". She sat back and looked at him once more. "Now tell me why and where".

"why? Ha! You should know! The little bitch…"

Before he could continue a fist had made contact with his stomach. Gasping for air he leaned forward as far as possible. "Do not call her that" she said coldly.

"she tricked me!"

"she did her job".

"she betrayed me"

Jane hoisted him out of the chair. More or less with the chair and slammed him back on the ground again. Frost quickly took a hold of her. "easy Jane" he said.

"WHERE IS SHE!" Jane screamed trying to free herself from her partners hold. Garret smiled. "oh you won't find her. She is dead".

Jane shrugged off Frost and smiled. "well there you are wrong".

"how do you kn...".

"I know" Jane answered. Oh how she wanted to beat the crap out of this man. How she wanted to make him pay for everything he did. But she had to find Maura first. He confessed, now she had to make sure he told her where she was.

Her phone rang. No it wasn't her phone. It was Doyle's. without looking back at Garret or Frost she answered. "Rizzoli".

"_I have all the information. Guards in the prison that helped him are Waters, Hansen and Pett. I have two man watching a possible hiding place right now. Near Princeton. It looks like they are transporting something"._

Jane had to think quickly. How could she know for sure that this was the place. They had searched everywhere. Princeton… why there? Why? She pinched her nose and nodded. "Princeton huh?"

Out of the corners of her eye she saw Garret move suddenly. He was alert. Months of being with Maura. Hearing her go on and on about the studies of reading people, Jane had actually learned some things. And from being a good cop – if she said so herself – for years she knew that this was the reaction she needed.

"keep an eye on it, and follow everything that leaves".

"_it's him?"_

"Yes".

She closed her phone and turned back to Garret while waving one guard over. "arrest the following guards for helping a murderer or whatever you want to call it, I do not care at the moment. Waters, Hansen and Pett".

As she gave the orders she saw Garret's eyes widen. Jackpot. Now she had him.

"how did you" he asked slowly and carefully after the guard left. She went towards him. "don't you dare ask me how. You are lucky to be alive as it is".

He shut his mouth to her satisfaction. "You think you won three years ago. But you underestimated me. I never give up. Not on her". She said. Nodding at Frost they went towards the door.

"she will never want to be touched anymore" he said suddenly.

Jane spun around. She dashed back towards the chair and hit him right in the face. "what did you say?" she yelled. He grinned at her. "I did win Rizzoli. I broke her. She will never let you or anyone touch her filthy body again. Never. You filthy dyke! You thought you were good enough for her? I saw you looking at her those many years ago. Well I broke her. You will think of her ugly".

Jane's wrists trembled she leaned in lower as he gestured. "I let them rape her. For months… every day… every hour… every…"

"YOU FUCKING MONSTER!" Jane screamed. The fog before her eyes seemed to take over as she started pounding into the man until three guard and Frost finely got her off the wounded man. She was still fighting them when they put her into the car. Screaming abuse at the man who was unconscious because of her assault. She would have to go to court for this but Frost knew she didn't care. She didn't care about anything but Maura anymore.

As he got into the car she was about to assault him when he grasped her arms and put them down with force. "FOCUS! Where did Doyle say they were transporting something?"

That made her clear up. In shock she watched Frost. "you…"

"only me and Korsak. Now where Jane!"

"err… Princeton". She was flabbergasted.

"call him. Tell him we are on our way".

**What a chapter huh? it just came out from my fingers! in one long go! This chapter is by far the most darkest until now.  
****(now I hopefully took out some of the mistakes)**

**Next Chapter... more angst as they race against time to find and save Maura. Who will do more damage? Doyle trying to save his daughter? or Jane trying to save the love of her live!**

**Review please! they make my day!**


	6. I knew

**Hey all! I am so so so so so sorry for keeping you waiting for this long! I have been terribly busy and lost my muse all together for the stories I have been working on.**

**I will try to update this story more often again!**

**Disclaimer and warnings in the other chapters!**

Jane's head slowly seemed to clear up as they raced on the freeway, the sirens on. She had called Doyle telling him they were on their way. He had just ended the phone call with an ok. Now she was sitting here. Next to Barry Frost. A man who had known about her contact with Doyle.

But that wasn't the only thing. They were chasing… something. Maybe Maura. She would see Maura, maybe after so many years. Her jaw set at the memory of what that piece of filth had just said.

"Jane, I am sorry" Frost said breaking the silence as they left cars behind them. She looked at him. He had heard, she knew that. "it isn't true" she said through gritted teeth.

"but he said".

"he once loved her. He wouldn't do that to her… not repeatedly".

"but you think she has been...".

"of course I think that Frost. She has been gone for three years. Doyle agreed with me on that. What brings me to… how did you and Korsak know?"

"the case on him. Years ago. You were going to make the decision to call for Maura. You talked to us. We agreed. When she disappeared it would only take some time for you to get back in contact with him. He loves her, even though she hates him".

Jane stared outside. She picked up the last things he said. "you are referring to her in present time".

She saw Frost smile slightly. "well, with this I do hope she is out there".

"yea… can't you go faster?".

"Do you want me to crash?"

Jane bit her lip and just turned her head away.

Her phone went off and she quickly opened it. "Rizzoli"

Frost kept his eyes on the freeway when he heard Jane call. "next exit! Take it! They are moving a truck with something in it. Yes alright. We are on our way. Are you sure? Keep track of the others too".

She snapped her phone shut and stared at the traffic. "they are going for a lake" she said. Frost didn't dare to look at her because of their speed. "what do you think" he began but she interrupted him. "they are going to dumb something" she said.

"you think or you know".

"they think… I think… I know… she is alive".

He nodded, not wanting to crush her hope. Even though Frost had referred to Maura in the present tense he still thought it was a long shot. But he had trusted Jane in so many cases, even when she had lost sight of anything else. He had seen her being right with Hoyt. He had seen her being right with a lot of misty cases. He trusted her on this.

As they left the freeway Jane felt herself tense up more, as if she was preparing herself for the worst. She couldn't live without Maura. The knowledge that she could have been alive all these years had been what kept her with the living. She would and couldn't deal with the fact that her best friend, the woman she secretly loved could be dead.

They drove over the small road when Jane spotted something up ahead. "there!" she called out, snapping open the phone and hitting a button. "I have a truck in sight. They are heading straight for the lake, I need you to get the man here. I don't care Korsak! I'm right this time! Just do it!"

She hung up the phone and made quick eye contact with her friend next to her.

"They are not stopping!" Frost suddenly announced.

Almost in slow motion they watched two man jump out of the still driving truck. Jane's eyes widened as Frost stopped the car. She watched in horror as she saw the truck hit the railing protecting cars from the water. The truck drove right through the barrier and tumbled down into the water.

"NO!" she screamed, getting herself out of the safety belt and out of the car. She didn't care about the two man laying on the ground. She didn't care about three cars stopping behind Frost's car. She didn't even care about Doyle who tried to beat her to the water.

She knew, she just knew that they had just dumped Maura in that lake. Without thinking she pulled off her jacket and jumped into the water.

The truck, which had been floating first, had started to sink slowly into the water. Jane screamed as she swam towards it. There was a large chain keeping her from opening the doors. "MAURA!"

Grasping her gun she dove into the water. The truck had disappeared.

The water was cold, she couldn't see much but it didn't matter. She just had to open that locket. It didn't even matter that a gun does not work properly under water. She held it close to the chain and shot. With a snap the chain came loose.

Jane felt herself losing oxygen. She had to go up and take a breath, but she couldn't! she could not leave the truck, it was still sinking. She grabbed one of the doors and pulled. She screamed into the water which wasn't heard.

The door opened slowly. And suddenly air from within the loading space came through the opening, almost blasting away the door. Jane felt the air hit her. It was not enough to take a breath and she didn't care. All she cared for was what she saw inside the truck.

Maura…

Jane saw her and everything stopped as their eyes met. Maura struggling with her chains. Maura… her long hair, longer than Jane remembered floating around her. Her beautiful eyes. There she was, after so many years.

She swam towards her. Getting the chains off her and pulled her close as they started going towards the surface. In that small moment Jane felt how thin Maura was. She felt the fragile body of her best friend. They both struggled for breath. Jane being the stronger one pulling Maura along.

The break with the surface came as the blessing Jane had been denied for so long. She pulled Maura up with her. They didn't hear the shots on the shore. They didn't hear Frost or Doyle call out. They just looked at each other. Jane's tears mixing with the water, masking them, but her voice betrayed her. "Maura… oh god…"

Maura coughed. Looking at Jane. "I knew… you would find me" she gasped in between breaths. With that said she passed out.

**and? what do you think. I tried not to make it too dramatic because there will be enough drama later on.**

**please Review!**


	7. Just a dream

**Okay! I decided not to leave you hanging for so long again! I'll try to write the next chapter tomorrow!**

**I forgot to do this in the last chapter so here are all the people I want to thank for their reviews!:**

_** XanDany, Darkemberdagger, kgriffithm, Goose197, heatwave16, Oceanblu76, Skly, fanofthearts, wcduran, thetamarine, Candy77, Hoyee, ShadowCub, Felonee, Lawabidingchild, Callie4ev, iBreakTradition, Koetje2009, GabbyK, FaBbErOoZ, Swishla, Tansikat, Graywolf68, The silent Scream**_

_**Special thanks to my dearest friend and the one who beta't this chapter CanadianReba**_

**On with the story!**

It was a dream, just a dream. And now she had to wake up. Nothing about it was real. There, she had it. She knew that she had finally gone crazy. She had finally lost it. After three years of digging in every corner, in every map and file, she had lost it.

Jane still had her eyes closed, tears dripping down. She noticed that she had been sleeping in a strange position. Had she fallen asleep on her desk again? She noticed herself sitting on a chair, but her arms were resting on something softer.

She cursed herself, cursed her head for making up these stupid dreams. There was no Maura… she had been dreaming everything. How long had she been asleep? Maybe she even dreamed about the whole Garret affair. She wanted to hit herself against a wall.

She didn't want to open her eyes. She didn't want to be back to nothing. She could still see Maura's eyes in the dream. Everything that had happened. The truck, the chase… the water… her wonderful eyes, her thin frame. It had all seemed so real…

New tears appeared under her closed eyes. She wanted to cry, to scream. The hospital. She had even dreamed about taking Maura to the hospital. About the doctor telling her how Maura had been starved and dehydrated. How the bruises on her body came from struggle and abuse. About… Jane couldn't believe she dreamed that Maura had been raped. She had dreamed about days sitting beside her best friend holding her hand and whispering to her as Maura refused to wake up.

She had even dreamed about taking Maura home. How the doctor had told her that she was more likely to wake up at home. She wasn't in a coma, she was just refusing to wake up. How he would check on her regularly. Jane had dreamed about taking Maura up the stairs, into her apartment. About how she had put Maura down on the bed at home and safe. How stupid could she have been? She stopped having these dreams a year ago. Why now? Why!

Because she couldn't let go. She knew the answer, she wasn't that stupid! She wanted Maura at home, safe and most of all she wanted Maura Isles in her arms. Just to hold her. To make sure she was there. It would never happen. She could dream all she wanted but it would never happen.

Jane realized she had just given up… after all those years she had finally given up. Moving on was going to be hard but she would have to. New tears came as she thought about it. There it was. The bitter truth. No more Maura, no more searching. Just Jane… utterly alone.

She sobbed, finally acknowledging that she was awake. She opened her eyes slowly, seeing the wet floor. She had been sleeping on a chair against her bed. She raised her brow, her eyes still filled with tears. There is was… she had woken up. Another sob tore itself from her body. Jane Rizzoli did not cry. But she couldn't keep a hold on herself. It had all seemed so real!

It had all been a dream. The change in the guards. The way they pushed her in the truck. The drive. How the men had hit her hard enough to knock the wind out of her already weakened body. How they had bound her. Oh she would still be bound. In a basement, for their enjoyment.

Maura felt dried tears on her cheeks. She could still feel vibration of the truck, driving over the freeway. The crash of the railing. The tumbling of the truck and the colliding with the water.

Every cell in her body had tensed up in fear as the water had started filling the cabin. She couldn't move much so she had struggled. And none of it had been real! All of it had been a dream.

Where was she? She felt herself laying on something soft. Wonderful, they had given her a mattress. That could mean two things. Either they were leaving for days or a year had passed and they were allowed to have their round.

Fresh tears trailed the dried path, making it new and wet. Everything hurt. They must have beaten her up before she lost consciousness. How Maura wished that the dream had been real. You dream to handle the situation you are currently living with. You dream to deal with certain aspects. And she dreamed to wish. To wish that some things would become reality.

She remembered dreaming about someone shooting the door. About the door opening and water replacing the last bit of air there was in the cabin.

Maura remembered not being able to breathe anymore as she struggled with her binds. When she had looked up she knew she was dreaming. There she was… Jane… her deep chocolate brown eyes, floating brown hair. She could almost make her mind recreate the image of her dream. How Jane had gotten her free.

Maura squeezed her eyes as she tried to hold onto the images. How Jane had pulled her away. Away from the dark place in the water. How she had held her as they swam up to the surface. The air that hit her like a bomb. The sound of Jane gasping her name.

She knew it had been a dream, but it had been so real. She didn't want to wake up! Why had she woken up…

Maura tried to lift her arm, realizing they hadn't restrained her. She moved her arm over her eyes and sobbed. Jane… Jane would have given up by now. Maura had counted the days, weeks and years. Jane had to live with it. She would think that Maura was dead. It was the bitter reality and Maura had to live with it.

She sobbed. She thought she had lost all her tears many months ago, but after this dream she found that she still had some left. She wanted to be with Jane. To be in her bed. To be in the arms of the woman she had secretly loved for so long. She wanted it all to be real.

Another sob tore from her body. She couldn't help herself. It had all seemed so real!

**So? what do you think? hehe^^ review please! **

**next chapter will be posted somewhere this weekend I hope!**


	8. Are you real?

**Hehe^^ I know I am evil, but I love to confuse you all. I couldn't keep you waiting too long, so a gift!  
For those who are confused by the chapter I hope you do understand after this. I am so happy that you all like this story! I am always skittish about my writing and my stories so your Reviews are a big help! Extra thanks to my dearest friend TB for always sticking by and telling me when I make mistakes in my grammer and words.**

**Thanks for taking the time and review my last chapter: _darkemberdagger, Swishla, thetamarine, heatwave16, DebbieG86, Interp86, cacooly, FaBbErOoZ, fanofthearts, lawabidingchild, koetje2009, silkpoetV and graywolf68_**

Well this was it. Jane sighed when she was able to stop the tears. She was still facing the ground. She realized now, that she had been sleeping slumped over her bed in a chair. She closed her eyes and sat up. Slowly stretching her back and arms she moaned. She was going to be sore for days!

When she finally opened her eyes she quickly closed them again. What the… she slowly opened her eyes again, defiantly seeing the sleeping form on the bed. Had she had been that drunk? That she had taken a woman back with her?

She noticed the arm thrown over the woman's face, her slim body, her golden hair. Jane stared at the woman for a few moments before uttering some words. "What the fuck?"

"Watch your language Jane" the woman muttered from under the arm.

Silence filled the room. It almost made Jane think that she was deaf. The arm moved away from the woman's face in an instant. Her eyes opened, meeting those of Jane. Dark brown met brown with the hint of green.

Maura couldn't contain the sob inside her chest as she stared at Jane. "I'm hallucinating" she choked. "My brain can't take the stress anymore and so it makes up these images" she closed her eyes again. Jane didn't move. She couldn't. She just listened to Maura trying to reassure herself that she wasn't real. But Jane couldn't even reassure herself that Maura herself was real.

"I just need to calm myself down. If I do so my brain should be able to…" she stopped as another sob tore through her body. "Jane…"

The fact that Maura Isles was on her bed. That everything Jane had thought she had dreamed was true. That she had saved Maura… that Maura was calling her name, lulled Jane into action. She climbed onto the bed and carefully touched Maura's arm.

"Oh god you're real?" she whispered questioning it.

"you're real?" came the confused answer. Maura, who had been so quick with understanding everything. Maura, who knew everything in Jane's eyes, couldn't comprehend this.

Her arm reached out to Jane. "you found me?" she whispered. Jane slowly nodded, tears shining in her eyes. "You saved me from a truck?" Maura asked. She needed reassurance. She needed to know that her dream had been real. That the hallucination was wrong.

"I did… Oh God, Maura" Jane said. She moved closer. Touching Maura's arms now. "you're really here?".

They threw their arms around one another and held on for dear live. Nothing would have been able to get between these two woman. Jane's shirt became wet with Maura's tears and she felt Jane burry her face in her hair.

The doorbell broke them apart. Jane stood up going to answer the door when she looked at Maura. She couldn't make herself leave the room. Fearing that Maura would disappear if she lost sight of her. She still wasn't convinced that Maura was real.

Maura took hold of Jane's hand. She wasn't going to let her go. She would not be able to take it if Jane disappeared from her again. She did not want to return to that dark basement and the filthy mattress. She couldn't lose Jane. "don't leave me" she pleaded.

Jane shook her head and moved back onto the bed. "are you really here?" she asked.

"are you real?" Maura questioned back.

They didn't hear the key or the door opening. They just held each other. When Angela knocked on the door they bounced off the bed almost. Both looked up, feeling scared as hell. Jane thought she would wake up anyway from the dream. Maura was almost certain she had been hallucinating and was now back in that horrible dark place.

"Dear, I'll just go make dinner. You never take care of yourself properly. Wanted to let you know I'm here. Hi Maura. Stay in bed alright? You need to build your strength. Jane you could maybe help me".

Jane looked at her mother. Her mother had said hi to Maura. Never, ever had her mother appeared in her dreams. She looked back and Maura. "you are real" she said again, but this time there was a certainty in her voice that made Maura shiver and tear up.

"I knew you would find me" she whispered, still not sure and lay back down on the bed. Her strength had left her for the moment. "is this my bed?" she asked suddenly. Jane nodded shyly. "I'll explain it to you alright? Just not now".

Maura nodded. She knew Jane was going to leave the room. She didn't want her to, but maybe it was for the best. If Jane came back she would have to convince herself that this all was real.

Their hands lost contact as Jane left the room. Maura eyes filled themselves with fresh tears. The fear of losing this wonderful feeling was crushing down on her heavily. She turned on the bed, ignoring the pain in every part of her body and closed her eyes tightly.

When she felt something wet on her face she opened her eyes. A wet black nose was pushing into her face. It was quickly followed by a very wet tongue. "Joe!" Maura said happily. She pushed herself back on the bed and watched the dog. She was wiggling her tail enthusiastically. The dog must have remembered her because of her smell. She smiled slightly and petted the dog on its head. She received a few more licks before the animal barked and jumped off the bed.

Slowly Maura sat up and looked down at her clothing. She was surprised to find herself clothed in one of her own nightgowns. Where had that come from. The fear that all this wasn't real was creeping up her spine settling everywhere in her body. She pulled up her knees and hugged them.

She heard something stumble and looked up. She didn't see anything. The fear had now reached her heart, making her unable to move. She spotted something large moving on the ground, just outside her eye range.

When she saw the shell of the tortoise Maura broke away from the spell of fear. She leaped from the bed, ignoring all the protests her body made. Lowering herself next to the tortoise she held out her hand as she watched him.

There was no other explanation. This was her tortoise. This was Bass. As the animal put it's small head in her hand she knew for sure. This was real. This was all here. She was free… Jane had found her!

"Oh god, Bass… it's real" she whispered.

The animal looked up at her as if saying; "duh! You think Jane would give up?".

**See? See? I am not that cruel! next chapter Maura and Jane will talk! finally!  
****And Dearest! Maura is a hard character to write! writing next chapter this weekend I hope.**

**Review! please!**


	9. Yes Sir

***wipes a tear away* You all have no idea what this means to me! I am so incredibly happy that you like the story. I am also happy that you are willing to ignore my grammer and spelling mistakes and enjoy the story! reading your reviews always make my heart beam. Thank you all so much! this story might contain a bit more mistakes because I was in a flow :P **

**special thanks to the last chapter reviewers: _FaBbErOoZ, thetamarine, heatwave16, The Silent Scream, Swishla, Andrea7, Isla1113, CanadianReba, GoctoHostapus, Lawabidingchild, AlexandriaVE, graywolf68, koetje2009 cacooly and to writergirl26 who just started reading my story!_**

**So here is the next chapter. I like taking time for situations, not rushing it too fast. addressing most of it (if I don't either don't have enough knowledge or another good reason) so I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

"Hey you".

Maura looked up from where she sat, hugging her tortoise. She gasped when she saw Jane. The realization of her really being here. The fact that Maura really was here with Jane, in her apartment. It was all she ever dreamed about the last three years. Now it was difficult to take in.

"You are suppose to be in bed" Jane said softly kneeling beside Maura. "come on". Maura let herself be pulled up from the floor. Her eyes never left those of Jane. She felt herself being lifted. Jane was always so strong. It felt so save in her arms. She put one of her arms around Jane her neck. Now that Jane was holding her Maura realized how tired she still was.

Jane gently placed Maura on the bed. The way she handled Maura told the woman watching from the doorway everything. Her daughter loved this fragile creature. She risked her life to save Maura. Angela smiled as she moved in with two plates.

"You know darling, you really shouldn't be moving yet" she gently scolded Maura. Jane took the plates with food from her mother. "here Maura. You need to eat".

"I'm not eating in bed" Maura whispered. Jane looked at her as she placed the plates on the bed. "You need to eat Maura, you need to get your strength back".

"I won't be eating in bed, it is bed for your stomach. Your body won't be able to digest everything well. You should never eat while lying down. Besides, I… want… would like to eat at the table… please".

Jane didn't miss the slight hesitations from Maura and even though she was right about the google reasons for not dining in bed, Jane saw that it wasn't the real reason. "alright we'll eat at the table. Just don't push it" she said standing up. Her mother picked up the plates and walked towards the kitchen mumbling something.

"Ma! We are still eating what you made, don't fuzz!" Jane called after her. She looked back at Maura and gently helped her stand. "lean on me".

"I can…"

"Maura, you are a doctor and you very well know that you cannot walk on your own. Now either you listen to me and let me help you or I'll carry you". She hadn't meant to sound this harsh. Jane felt Maura stiffen in her arms. She immediately leaned against her and looked down. "yes sir" she whispered.

"Maura?" Jane stopped and turned her body towards Maura. "Maura look at me, please". Slowly Maura's eyes met Jane's. "That wasn't an order Maura. Please, I just don't want you to hurt yourself". Jane could kick herself. She did something that reminded Maura about her time away from her.

A small voice inside Jane's head told her she couldn't have known. She didn't know what had happened to Maura, yet. She would find out over time. "Come on" she said, gently smiling. "let's get some food inside that body of yours".

While Maura was eating she observed Jane and her mother. Trying to convince Angela that it was alright to leave. She bit her lip to keep from smiling. She chewed her food slowly, her scientific mind telling her that she couldn't eat fast because she wasn't used to this much food anymore. She knew she was far too thin.

"Ma! Really, you brought food with you for more than a week. I can handle it here".

"You always forget to make dinner for yourself! I just want to know that you are alright".

"I am! Jeez Ma! I won't forget to make dinner for Maura! You know that. I'll call alright?"

"Just because you have taken an extensive leave doesn't make me stop worrying. It would have been time however that you did. You haven't stopped working a day for three years!"

"That's right. But I have a reason for my leave. And I don't know when I'm going back to work alright? Ma! I'll call you. I promise you that you can bring us food next week again. BUT do not show up before that! I need time alone with Maura".

Maura looked at Jane and swallowed. "I don't want to be a bother Jane. I can take care of myself".

Jane looked up from the argument and smiled at Maura. "you don't really have a place to go, besides you are not a bother. I didn't spend three years searching for you to just let you go now. Trust me".

She turned back to her mother. "deal?"

"alright. But if you miss something you will call. And I will call every morning".

"you'll call only once a day. No more" Jane said as she followed her mother, who had been pulling on her coat. "And you'll not tell all the neighbors about your daughter finding back her love" she whispered behind that. "I don't even know if Maura wanted me that way and now I don't even know if she wants anyone ever again. Don't go brag about it".

Her mother looked offended. "I would never do that Jane".

"years of experience taught me different. Now go". Jane finally closed the door behind her mother and leaned against the door. Sighing she smiled at Maura who was staring at her. "what… was that last part about?" Maura asked, not really expecting an answer.

"as you may remember, Ma is a know it all and I told her that I would not have her bragging about me to the neighbors" Jane said, knowing it was only the half truth.

Jane slowly approached Maura and sat down on the other side of the dresser. "you like the dinner? Ma did most I must admit".

Maura nodded looking at what was left of her dinner. "I had enough, could I return to the bed?"

Jane nodded slowly and stood. "Maur?" she asked while helping her to the bed. "Just for you to know, you are free to move around her if you want. I'll be taking Jo out for walks and all but I'll be near you. You don't have to ask me for permission for anything. And you can ask me anything, I won't be mad".

Maura smiled embarrassed. "they never…"

"I guessed" Jane finished. This wasn't the time to talk about that. Not yet. It was all too fresh. She helped Maura lay down and went over to the other side. As she lay down Maura looked at her. "are we… having a sleepover or is this your way of telling you are attracted to me?"

They couldn't help but laugh. Jane looked at Maura. "How I missed you".

Maura smiled. "I never thought I would see you again…"

Jane wrapped her arms around her as Maura felt tears leave her eyes. She heard Jane whisper something in her ear and sobbed even louder. "I loved you for so long Maura…"

**Sweet ending :D next chapter we will see Maura's reaction and more talking... or well, the start of the talking maybe :P I forgot to ditch Angela. explanation about her calm reaction to her daughter being gay too! **

**Review please! I'm almost at a 100! I can't believe it really!**


	10. Her Smell

**Hey everyone! I am BACK!  
I am terribly busy with school and work and friends and writing a story for a message board (STV) and my ongowing slowchat that I need to update aswell**

**But here is the next chapter of Bleeding heart! Now this chapter is high on emotion!**

**thanks SO much for everyone reviewing.**

Jane's head was spinning. She told Maura how she felt. Was she stupid? She couldn't believe she had blurted that out. She held on tight, not wanting to have to see Maura's rejection. She had put Maura through a confusing morning already. How could she have told her…

Jane closed her eyes tightly and wished she could just make her words disappear. She knew Maura didn't swing that way. And after everything she had been through? Jane didn't even know what she had been through for that matter. She couldn't expect Maura to just fall in her arms and love her back.

Slowly Jane began to untangle herself from Maura. She was surprised when Maura held on. The woman was still sobbing and Jane just hold her. She was still cursing herself when she heard Maura's words. "I love you too".

Jane pulled back now. Maura looked away from her. Jane gently put her fingers under her chin and made the fragile woman look at her. "you do?"

Maura nodded. "I never thought I'd live, to tell you" she whispered tears running down her cheeks. "everything was so uncertain. Everything seemed to fade away after the months went on. But I knew you would find me. I didn't know if you would keep searching for me for the reason of being in love with me or for the fact that you love me as a friend. But I had to hold on and…"

Jane put a finger on her lips. She smiled. "Alright, I understand".

"Jane, I don't want to lose you ever again".

Maura put her hand on Jane's and held on tight.

When Jane woke she noticed she was alone in bed. She shot up and looked around, rubbing her eyes. "Maura?" she asked trying to keep the panic down. No answer.

"Maura?" she called out a little louder as she stood up quickly. No answer.

"Damn it MAURA! Answer me!"

Jane sprinted outside from her bedroom and collided into the body of Maura. Maura shrieked and fell down, almost immediately curling herself up into a tight ball. "I'm sorry sir, I won't do it again. Please, please I was just going to the toilet. Don't tie me up. I won't be able to move and it's bad for my muscle mass and for my longs to be lied down all the time. I'm sorry please, please…"

Jane lowered herself next to Maura. "shh, Maura… it's Jane. Don't worry… I am not going to tie you down… I was just worried because I didn't see you. Hey… shh. Look at me sweetie… oh honey it's going to be alright. I freaked out. Shh…"

Maura slowly focused on Jane's voice and turned to Jane. "Oh Jane!" she cried out and flew into Jane's arms. Jane sighed and held Maura close. She was mentally kicking herself. She couldn't be the cop around here. She couldn't be ordering Maura because of these reactions. Her home was safe… safe as it could get. They wouldn't take Maura…

"it's alright Maur… I'm here" she whispered. "come on, let's get you dressed and what do you say to a lovely breakfast? Not that I will cook but Ma left enough to survive a war".

Maura nodded against her chest and Jane untangled herself to stand up slowly. "wanna stand up Maura?" she asked trying to remember not to give orders. She should really work on that. Being a cop didn't help her softness with people.

Maura nodded and took her hand. They went to check out Jane's wardrobe. "eh… there is some stuff you used to own. I don't wear it but maybe you would like to… you know where it" Jane stuttered a little. Now that she had Maura home with her she felt terribly embarrest by the fact that she kept so much of the woman's stuff.

Maura managed a smile and opened the door. The smile disappeared though. "I won't fit this. I lost a lot of weight and because of that these cloths will look like bags around my body".

"we are not going to go out Maura. It's just me, I won't tell anyone you looked a little less fasionable" Jane attempted to joke. Maura looked up at her. "But they saw me in the hospital so they know what I had on Jane".

"eh Maura… I was trying to joke".

Maura looked away in shame. "oh…".

"don't worry about it Maur. Just pick something. I don't care what you pick. I am going to see what Ma left us to eat".

As if on cue the phone started ringing. "and telling her I found the food. Take your time".

Maura watched Jane leave the room and looked at the cloths that were available. She sighed and took out a Red Socks jacked and a jogging pants from Jane. She held them against her nose and smiled at the aroma filling her nostrils. She put them on after having shed the nightclothes. She neatly folding them and placed them on the bed. She quickly pulled out a shirt of Jane as well and went out to the living room.

She smelled like Jane. It gave her a sense of safety and briefly a scientific paper she once read came to mind. '_The smell of a mother makes the infant calm down. The aroma makes it feel safe and protected because of the biological connection they have. This phenomenon can also occur between close friends or the relationship between husband and wife_'.

She looked at Jane waving with one hand while talking to her mother and smiled slightly. It was strange to be able to walk around and not have man hovering about her to hold her down and beat her up or worse. She did not want to think about that. The flashbacks she had were bad enough and she knew they would be there for a while.

She sat down as Jane ended the call. "did you fi… Maura? Why are you wearing my cloths?"

Maura realized her mistake and quickly stood up again "they make me feel safe" Maura mumbled. "I can change Jane. I'm sorry, I should have asked if I had your permis…"

Jane placed her finger on Maura's lips and smiled. "hey, I don't mind. I was just surprised. Let's eat I found what Ma left. Some sandwiches sound alright?"

"yes Sir" Maura answered almost automatically. "Oh! Jane… I mean… eh…" her mind couldn't really wrap around the fact that she was free.

Jane wanted to scream. Fury had entered her body but she managed to calm herself down. "it's alright Maura. Let's just pretend you didn't say that" she said softly as she placed the sandwiches on the bar. "here…"

**Poor Maura... **

**ok they admitted their love YAY!**

**But I also LOVE their friendship. find out what I am going to do next chapter.**

**PLEASE review! **

**I'll try to write the next chapter this week**


	11. Breathe

**After AGES I read back what I wrote and I felt so bad for leaving it abandoned. I know I have my other story too which is "Fight Jane Fight". Sadly I won't be continuing that one because there have been many stories about it and it just didn't grab me anymore. I will be deleting the whole story so people won't stumble upon it and not be able to finish reading it.**

**I don't know what happened. I love this story. I don't know why I left it for what it is. I can only say that I am SO sorry I did. and I want to thank everyone for sending me messages and trying to get me to write again.**

**I can't promise many updates. But I promise. I will finish this story!**

**Thank you all again. I hope you will like this chapter.**

**P.S.: I don't have a beta reader. So please be nice about the mistakes. English is also not my mother language.**

* * *

Breathe. The key was to breathe. To open your mouth and let air go through the trachea and fill the bronchi so that the lungs could expand. Filter out the carbon dioxide and provide the body with new oxygen. Breathe. It was the key to life.

Why then. Did it feel like she was suffocating. Like her thorax wouldn't expend anymore and her repertory system wouldn't work anymore.

Slowly she placed her hand upon her chest. Just to discover the hand already there, over her heart. Feeling it beat. It seemed to open up everything inside her.

Exploring the hand she gently stroked the scars on the inside of her hand. Tracing the lumbrical muscles. But most importantly that scar. That made the hand so save. Save to hold and save to leave there on her chest.

It was the way Maura woke up almost every day now. Being suffocated by the nightmares she had faced in her sleep she woke up gasping for air. And every morning she would find either a hand or a head on her chest, making sure she was alive in the deep sleep Jane resonated in.

Opening her eyes Maura looked at the woman curled against her side. The long brown hair and beautiful face, without lines of stress or hardness.

Three weeks. Three weeks after admitting her feelings. Three weeks after waking up from that night mare she lived in. Three weeks of trying to break habits that had been forced upon her for years. Three weeks.

'Breathe' she told herself once more. Grasping the hand on her chest tightly Maura forced oxygen into her longs once more. She was still so frightened. Unsure of what to do with her days. Fearful of this all being a hallucination. Fearful that she had lost her mind. Fearful that she would be left alone by Jane. That the woman who had saved her couldn't take it anymore and left. Fear.

"Maura. Breathe" she heard the soft whisper right by her ear. A sob tore its way through her body as Maura turned her body towards Jane. Holding onto her hand for dear life she buried herself in the softness that was Jane's body. The other arm wrapping itself around her pulled her even closer. She breathed in the aroma of Jane. The smell she loved and she let herself once more cry. It was real.

Jane closed her eyes once more. Holding Maura close as she tried to keep herself calm. This ritual which they repeated every morning. No not just every morning; every time Maura had a nightmare was starting to wear her out. But she would never let go. She finally had her Maura back beside her. She would face whatever was to come.

It didn't make it easier though. Jane often found herself crying in the shower. Not wanting Maura to see how hard it all was on her. She had to be strong, for both of them.

But it was hard. So hard. Maura would barely talk about what happened to her. She would be silent most of the day. Spending time with Bass and Watson and Joe. Reading books and sipping on glasses of water or fruit juice.

And she would jump. Every time there was a knock on the door, or a strange sound from outside, or the ringing of the phone, or the sound of Jane's voice when she didn't expect it, or Joe barking suddenly, or... well she jumped at everything.

She also called her sir. So many fucking times! If Jane startled her it was even worse. She would beg or freeze up. She would start to tremble and be trapped in violent flashbacks. It absolutely broke Jane's heart. It would just make the wound bigger. Jane's heart still bled heavily for the broken woman Maura had become.

But despite all that? Despite how hard it was? Jane didn't want to give it up for one second. Every time she woke up by Maura's side was another confirmation that the woman she loved was right beside her. Alive, breathing.

Every time Maura smiled it lifted Jane almost into the air. If she said something funny or had a witty comeback to something on the TV. Maura would smile or even giggle. It made Jane fall in love all over again. Those smiles? Those giggles? It was all worth it. Despite the hardship. Despite everything.

No... things weren't going well. Jane knew she was going to have to talk to Maura about this very soon. Jane hated bringing more fear into Maura's life now. But if they didn't take action soon she wasn't going to be able to handle this anymore.

She couldn't go back to work. Maura didn't trust anyone near her except Jane and the animals. If they were male she screamed. The visit of the Doctor proofed that. Jane shuddered at the memory.

_There was a knock on the door. Maura fearfully looked up from her book. _

_"It's alright Maura. It's just the doctor. He said he would check up on you. He won't hurt you" Jane said with a smile before opening the door._

_The man who walked in smiled at Jane and focused his attention on Maura. "Good to see you awake miss" he said with a twinkle in his eye. He genially was happy she woke up. In the time she had spend in the hospital she had many visitors. Clearly loved by many and even more by the woman in front of him. He wanted to see her getting better._

_But as he took a step towards his patient he noticed that she had frozen on the couch. When he approached further she whimpered._

_"Maura?" Jane said gently going to the frightened woman. "it's alright. He won't hurt you sweetie"._

_Maura shook her head and kept her eyes focused on the man. He was smiling at her. "My name is Doctor VanBerg. I will be checking up on you every other day" he said still coming closer. _

_Jane looked at Maura for a moment and placed her hand on the shoulder of the one she loved. Maura's attention was briefly broken as she stared into Jane her eyes. "please..." she softly whimpered. "I will be good... please sir"._

_It was that moment that VanBerg kneeled in front of her. "you don't have to be afraid of me Maura" he said placing a gentle hand on her knee._

_The air splitting scream scared the living daylights out of both Jane and VanBerg. He stumbled back while Jane felt nails suddenly dig into her arms._

_Maura screamed and screamed. Jane couldn't make out any words but Maura seemed to try and crawl into her and hold on for dear life. Her hands raked over the detective's back leaving strings of red skin._

_It took Jane up to 20 minutes before Maura would calm down and stop screaming. In that time Jane has sustained small scratch wounds and several times she hadn't been able to breathe._

_ When she finally calmed Maura down she supported her as they made her way to the bedroom. Putting Maura down and lulling her to sleep quickly._

_She met with VanBerg after that in the living room looking into their options. The screams never left her mind._

"Jane?"

Jane looked down at the woman in her arms. "Hi Maura" she whispered.

"Are you alright?" Maura asked hesitantly.

Jane nodded. "Sure smarty-pants. How about we make something to eat and sit down to talk alright?"

Maura struggled with inside her mind for a few minutes. Deciding on how she should react to this. "Alright...S..." she shut up immediately and looked at Jane with fearful eyes. Jane smiled at her gently. "Jane... Alright Jane" Maura mumbled.

Jane leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "take your time" she said getting out of bed.

Maura felt herself begin to panic when Jane left the room. 'Breathe' she thought and took a few deep breaths. 'breathe'.


	12. Not alright

**Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! They really made me happy and gave me the courage to continue this story.**

**As you may have noticed. I jump in time a lot. Using flashbacks to explain what happened in the mean time. or feeling or expressions. I love angst. but I love a recovery story. But I am realistic that recovering from such a trauma as Maura went through takes time. I can't describe every day in their lives. So I will keep jumping. Not too much but I will do more jumps of weeks to show that it takes time to recover. I will dedicate more chapters to moments which I find important. Like this chapter.  
Why are you asking yourself? is she explaining this? I got a message from someone who wondered why I jumped time and that it broke the flow of my story. she/he was very nice about it but I wanted to explain it here. So everyone would understand why I write this way.**

**Alright! Love feedback and lets go on with the story**

**P.S.: English is not my mother language and I have dyslexia so please be kind if you comment on my grammar or spelling. I just don't notice sometimes :)**

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In the time that Maura took to shower (exactly 30 minutes and 10 seconds long. Gently scrubbing the upper skin of her body, in the vain hope that she would feel clean after the shower). She ate herself up inside. Talk. Exchanging words, communication. To be asked to talk when you are in a romantic relationship meant bad news in many circumstances. Was Jane tired of her? Was she really a waste of time? They had told her often enough.

Or did Jane want to participate in sexual actions. Maura shivered at that. She wasn't ready for that. She didn't know if she would ever be ready for that. Sleeping next to Jane gave her a feeling of safety. Maura went over several studies in her head why she felt that way with Jane. But if Jane wanted sexual interactions she would have to back down. She would be a failure once again.

Maybe she could be able to 'man' up and give Jane what she needed. Maura mused over this while she put on some of her own cloths. It didn't feel right to put on Jane's cloths when they were going to talk about what a waste and failure she was. She anticipated that she would have to pack some bags and find a place of her own to stay.

Maura felt the tears will up in her eyes. She tried to push them down but she knew that this wouldn't be possible. Her body was exhausted, which meant she could not control many emotional responses from her body.

She quietly entered to find Jane busying with breakfast. Maura sat down and placed her hands on the tabletop. She examined her fingers with intent. They were still sore, but healing just fine. The tissue was sensitive and sometimes hurt. Like a lot of spots on her body.

She all forgot about Jane standing right before her while she slowly bend and stretched her fingers and tested her joints.

Jane softly placed a plate in front of Maura. She remembered what the doctor had told her when they were in the hospital with her love sleeping/unconscious. Doctor VanBerg had checked Maura all over, revealing old breaks that had healed over time. Most likely set by Maura herself. How all the bones in her fingers had been broken at one point or the other. How they had stomped on them with boots. How she had cracked ribs and a broken ankle. All had healed quite well before they had found her. Like they had been too harsh in the beginning of her capture and toned it down after a few months. VanBerg had treated most of the bruises but how he couldn't do a lot more for the young woman. How he had found traces of sexual abuse at which Jane had turned away and had to take a few minutes before composing herself again.

And now, here she was. Sitting before her. The love of her life gently bending her fingers to test them. She needed help. She needed help and Jane wasn't the one who could give it to her. She needed more than just Jane.

"Maura?" she said covering Maura's hand with her own. The doctor looked up and Jane noticed the tears. "Are you alright?" she asked, panic rising inside her as she noticed Maura wasn't wearing her cloths. In the last 3 weeks Maura rarely wore her own cloths. Was she planning on leaving Jane?

"I understand" she heard the woman in front of her whisper. Jane was completely thrown off. "What do you understand Maura?"

"That we can't go on like this anymore" Maura whispered. Jane sighed in relief. Alright maybe Maura just realised that she needed more help.

"Well, I do have some suggestions about that" she said smiling.

Maura just nodded and went to stand up. "I will go then..." she whispered.

"What?! No!" Jane called out in shock, quickly standing up and moving around the bar towards Maura. "I don't want you to go Maur. Never..."

Now Maura was confused. "But... but... you said we should talk. Which means bad news... you think I am a waste of time and want me to leave you. Or you want to participate in a sexual manner and I can't do that Jane. So the only option left is that I failed you and you want me to leave".

Tears had made their way to Jane's eyes and trickled down her cheeks. It made the wound in her heart just bigger and bleed heavier when she heart this. She was shaking her head while she chocked out her words. "No... No... Maura I don't... I don't think you are a waste of my time. And you didn't fail me... you won! Against all odds you are still alive and in my arms... you are the strongest most bravest woman in the whole world and god I love you for it. I don't ever want you to leave me again".

Maura was looking into her eyes intently. To make sure she wasn't being played with. She felt Jane's hand trembling as the dark haired woman hold onto her. She read the truth in Jane's eyes and sobbed. "I thought you didn't want me anymore. They said you would never want me again after what they did to me".

Jane let them to the couch and sat herself and Maura down. All the while shaking her head and trying to put all the love into her next words. "Maura I love you. I want you with me. By my side and in my arms. I. Love. You. Nothing that happened can ever change that. I would kill for you. I did kill for you. And I searched for you for over three years. I will never want you to leave. Maura Isles. I. Love. You. Please always remember that".

Maura was sobbing but held onto Jane with all her strength. She leant forward and moved into Jane's arms. "I love you too" she whispered through her tears.

They stayed like that for a while. Crying out their tears and feeling save in each other's arms. They slowly calmed down after a few hours.

"Maura" Jane said eventually. Maura looked up into Jane's eyes. "when I wanted to talk to you... I just wanted to see if you are open to some extra help from outside. It is clear you are dealing with a lot of trauma and suffered through so much.. I can't fix that. Believe me if I could I would. But I can't. I was going to suggest if you... were open to therapy. You need help. I think I even need help. We can't do this on our own. At least..." she swallowed. "I can't".

"Alright".

"you don't have to decide now... wait what?"

Maura smiled and intertwined their fingers. "You are right Jane. We can't do this by ourselves. Studies show that it would ruin our relationship and above all I don't want that. So yes I am up for help from outside. Although I am not sure I can leave this apartment yet. Everything outside scares me, I know that is irrational but it does. But I do recognize I need help".

Jane nodded and leaned down to place a kiss on Maura's head. "I am so glad that you are a genius sometimes smarty-pants. This would have been way harder if you had been my ma".

"well glad to be of service detective know-it-all" Maura said smiling up at Jane.

That smile... it just placed a stitch in Jane's heart... healing it just a tiny bit.


End file.
